Thursday, 30 January 2014

Back on the Roller Coaster

FML I'm back on the roller coaster. 

We went for an ultrasound yesterday thinking I was about 7 weeks pregnant - which would be about right timing-wise, and also hCG-wise; 5 weeks after fertilisation 5th-95th percentile levels are 3697-163563, median 39759, so my 72000 is firmly in there (even if it is nearly double the median). However the fetus is only measuring 6w2d, which I think is pretty small. Also, that would mean 4 weeks after fertilisation where normal hCG ranges from 158-31795 - and I clearly don't fit into this bracket. It doesn't work with timing either unless it implanted really late.

So either the baby is too small, or the hCG is too high. Or I'm actually having identical twins (unlikely) and one is hiding.

Onto the heartbeat... It has a heartbeat! This is good BUT THE INTERNET HAS TAKEN ALL OF THE GOOD AWAY. Because the heart is beating at 110 bpm and that's a bit slow according to Dr. Bloody Google. And on the topic, neither of us seemed blown away by this pretty monumental thing. I mean, I now have a human prototype living inside me, and it doesn't seem to phase either one of us. It's just One OF Those Things, like so much of my life. I wonder when this will touch me.

Anyway, perhaps the slower heartbeat just means we're having a really zen baby. Or perhaps this baby isn't going to be ours after all.

I'm seeing the Dr (real, not Google) tomorrow for a post-scan check-up, and I really need to remember to ask him about the high hCG, small baby, slow heartbeat. Perhaps I'll write it on my hand, in code obviously so work don't catch on, to help me remember. Only then I'll have an extra level of code-breaking to remember. This could spiral - lots of remembering.

So am I:

7w1d with perfect hCG and a small baby with a slow heart?

6w2d with very high hCG and a normal baby with a nearly normal heart?

6w2d with identical twins (only 1 gestational sac, in case you were wondering. I know you were), normal hCG and a nearly normal heart and 1 baby playing Where's Wally?

I'm not sure how much I like any of these options.

Hopefully I'm winding myself up for nothing, but is preparing myself for bad news and educating myself on possible and likely outcomes the worst thing? If I were over the moon and jumping up and down and bursting with excitement and adopting an 'everything will turn out perfectly" attitude, wouldn't I be in for a worse fall? Funny how the advice you give yourself and the advice you give others is so polar. Do I not feel "connected" to or "touched" by this pregnancy because I'm waiting for it to go wrong, or is it more to do with the way I feel floating in my bubble through the rest of life? It's all just a bit out of focus, things brush past but don't touch, and nothing that happens (no matter the magnitude, ecstatic or devastating) is beyond my ability to measure and level and take in my stride. I feel like I need a massive electric shock to wake me up and insert me into "real" life.

Fork? Meet toaster...

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