Monday, 27 January 2014

Decisions

Bargh I just wrote a really long (and incredibly eloquent - trust me) post and the Blogger app lost it. Colour me annoyed. Possibly my best work ever, gone. Pah. I'll write tomorrow instead, bed time now!

Today is yesterday's tomorrow, so here I am.

Aside from being so tired that narcolepsy is on the cards, and feeling like I might reverse the eating process a great deal of the time, oh and the near constant cramps that feel a lot like something with claws and fire is rearranging furniture in my pelvic region, I don't feel or look any different. I haven't grown a flashing "pregnant" sign, nor have I suddenly become incompetent or incapable of doing my job. So why then am I now essentially unemployable?

When we were in the planning stages of Making a Baby, there were some decisions to be made.

1) hold off baby until I find a job I actually enjoy for a company I actually like, wait a few months, then try

2) start trying immediately and look for a new job whilst trying and hope to find one before pregnancy strikes

3) stay in current (mostly but not all) unhappy, underpaid job with no maternity pay, start trying immediately and give up hope of finding a new job until post maternity leave

We didn't want to hold off, mainly because it can take months to find a job and years to conceive. I'm pushing 30 and we wanted to get started... So we went with number 2. Until I convinced work to sponsor me for a visa, then number 3 came out on top.

But at the start of November, before we got to the pregnant (round 1) part, I applied for a dreamy job. Dreamy. Then the pregnancy happened, then the miscarriage, then we were back to square one and I'd forgotten all about the dreamy job application. Then pregnancy struck again (round 2), and yesterday I received an email asking me to phone interview for The Dreamy Job.

Dilemma.

1) accept the interview, don't disclose pregnancy (see top - no flashing sign or incompetence - they'd be none the wiser), see what happens

2) accept the interview but tell them I'm knocked up

If 1), I would have to disclose at some stage. My ability to go offshore vanishes, travel at short notice becomes challenging, I would need a few months off in a few months time - not a good look in this boy's club of an industry I work in. If I were to disclose during my (customarily 3 month) probation period I strongly suspect I would be dismissed almost on the spot. I would suddenly "no longer be a good fit" (and not just for my jeans).

If 2), I would not get through to the 2nd round of interviews.

So what choice do I have? I'm going with 1). Accepting the interview and keeping mum. For now. Perhaps my charm, wit, and ability will win them over, perhaps they will decide that I can fulfill the role 100% onshore, with little travel, and that after some fully paid parental leave I can work from home.

It's a bitch wanting a new job and wanting a family. A total bitch. That doesn't even come close to describing how frustrating it is waving goodbye to opportunities because I'm the one who has to bear children. It's a blow realising that maybe, just maybe, there's no such thing as having it all.

But I think we've chosen wisely. I hope.

On another (slightly overshadowed) note, I had my final blood test today and my hCG is at 72,000. This is good. Scan tomorrow - my husband is actually coming and I didn't nag or guilt trip! Super pleased he'll be there, hopefully to see a tiny heartbeat, and if not, well, at least he'll be there.


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