Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Dr. Google Sucks

I feel a little bit like vampire fodder having had so much blood drawn yesterday. Have googled the acronyms for the blood and urine tests and at least if there is something wrong with the pregnancy hormones I'll (hopefully) be able to rest assured that my liver is functioning and that syphilis won't be the root cause of my madness. Ahem.

Today I have mostly been checking my email EVERY 5 MINUTES, waiting for the blood results - which probably won't be ready until tomorrow anyway. How do barely pregnant people get any work done at all? Add this to my inbuilt inability to concentrate on anything for longer than a heartbeat and you'll see that my work day is all but pointless.

So then I started googling the fuck out of hCG, early miscarriage, early symptoms of twins... It's a rabbit hole. Down and down you spiral, mumsnet, babycentre, whattoexpect; forum after forum, deranged pregnant lady poster after deranged pregnant lady poster, never reaching the bottom. Just spiraling. What should I be expecting from these tests? How can I figure out how many weeks pregnant I am without having had a period between miscarrying and now? If I don't know where I'm supposed to be, even when my beta levels come back I won't know if they're within "normal" range.

It's frustrating. I won't know anything until the results of NEXT WEEK'S test are in and they tell me whether my beta levels are doubling at the correct rate. Or doubling at all. Oh yeah, now I totally have the fear. Quite a large part of me now thinks that they'll come in low, then next week not at all. Then I ask myself what number would reassure me? I can't answer that either because I haven't got the foggiest idea when I ovulated or conceived. There's something to be said for tracking that shit; had this been planned it would have been tracked. Not that it's not a rad surprise, of course.

I suppose it's normal to be apprehensive, especially given the circumstances. Ignorance may well have been blissful; bloody internet with its whole knowledge at my fingertips thing. If curiosity killed the cat then the internet has possibly killed my ability to have a stress free pregnancy...

I'll take my mind off it tonight with a fitness class during which I will supposedly burn 700 calories. We'll see how many I burn lying on the floor at the back of the studio. Yoga didn't happen for me this morning - 6am felt way early - not having slept Monday night I needed some catch-up. That was my excuse anyway.

Now I'm going to get back to what they pay me for. My resolution until tomorrow is to only google happy things, and to not assume that every twinge is the start of a miscarriage. Might do another test when I get home, just to make sure it's really happening and I'm not delusional.

Ha, very quickly, and talking of delusional, I can't stop thinking about having twins.

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