Thursday, 16 January 2014

Our Survey Says...!

... I'm normal.

No syphilis (that would be awkward)
Normal Vit D
Normal Vit B-12
Immunity to Varicella
Blood group AB + (could have saved them a test but nobody trusts a patient)
Normal blood counts
No Toxoplasma
Normal urine
No HIV
No Hep B or Hep C
No chlamydia
Normal thyroid (a bit on the low end)
Normal iron (a bit on the high end, especially considering the bleeding I've been doing)
Normal glucose
Immunity to Rubella

Most of the ranges I'm smack bang in the middle of, which is good. There a less appropriate and more appropriate times to be an outlier and this is one of the less. I'm not advocating "normalcy" in every day life, but in blood tests it's pretty great to be normal.

I know, I know, we didn't come here for a general health check. We came here for the good stuff, the stuff of dreams (nightmares recently), the hCG levels. Tuesday's level = 1445. This is (drum-roll please) 14 times higher than the day before the miscarriage. So, all in all, a positive blood test.

Of course this doesn't mean I can sit back and relax and let this sprout grow inside me. Oh no. I still "have" to worry about the blood results next week, the week after, whether hormone levels are doubling at the correct rate, the scan at which we should see a heartbeat. I've scoured the interweb to see if I'm actually normal, if my current hCG level of 1445 is average. You know what? It's bloody impossible to know because firstly, the "mormal ranges" for each week post ovulation are huge, and secondly because I haven't got the foggiest when I ovulated or conceived. Oh, and thirdly? Because frankly, you have to be fucking abnormal to believe that the internet can shed any light on your normalcy in the first place.

So now I'm going to get on with my day and try not to obsess. I'll think about this tiny thing in my womb and send positive energy that way. I might even tell my Mum. I've already told my husband; we've had a conversation about him showing more of what he's feeling. He was honestly more excited and effusive about his dinner last night than he has been about this baby so far (including today's results), and I need that to be the other way around (he's going to try, and I truly believe he'll get there). It may be selfish, but I need him to be enthusiastic and encouraging so that some of it might rub off on me. I want to be filled with and surrounded by love and sparkly joy (duh, of course it's sparkly - glitter is joy objectified), not by anxiety over whether it will work out this time or not. My silent mantra to the Universe is along the lines of "please don't let me be one of the poor women who have miscarriage after miscarriage". But, que sera, sera. We accept and change and grow. 

Now, Universe, shower me in glitter!

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