Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Maybe It's Going To Be OK

12,654.

That's the number. According the the internet, the doubling time is 46 hours; a smidge faster than the "normal" doubling time over 1200 of 72-96 hours, but who am I to quibble? Dr.Actual Doctor believes "everything is tracking perfectly" and Dr. Google agrees.

Maybe this week will be the week I begin to feel like I'm growing a human, or maybe it will be next week, after my scan on Wednesday. I phoned this afternoon to book the ultrasound and totally confused the receptionist by not having a date for a last menstrual period. Having explained the situation a couple of times she accepted that I wasn't being intentionally difficult and conferred with a nurse or technician, then muttered something to me about a miscarriage in December and offered me an ultrasound tomorrow. I politely declined and booked one next week. I don't know how many weeks I am, but I want as much chance as possible of seeing a heartbeat when I do have my first scan.

So next Wednesday I'll drink a litre of water, wait half an hour, present my bursting self to the clinic receptionist, sit in the waiting room for a further half an hour, and be called in (close to tears) for The Scan. Not sure yet if my lovely husband will come. It feels like it's not a big deal for him, but I want it to be. I want him to want to be there to see the heartbeat for the first time. I want us to realise together that we are actually doing this thing that we've talked about so much for so long. You know, those initial moments of panic where you have a smile plastered to your face but you're really thinking 'what the fuck have we done/are we doing, we can't possibly be ready to do this', and you're crying tears of supposed joy that are actually tears of fear? That's how I imagine it anyway, and I want to share that moment with the man who donated half of this bean's DNA.

I'm also going to stop worrying now. I am going to be perfectly serene, so serene that even my road rage will vanish. I am zen, zen is me. I am a zen pregnant chick and I will have a zen pregnancy, a zen (hopefully at home water) birth and be a zen earth mother. 

Quick update on the physical side of things: I don't feel pregnant, I don't look pregnant (when are these incredible boobs supposed to turn up? Are mine running late?). I am perhaps still more tired than usual, my lower back aches a bit, my nipples are sore (swatted husband away rather forcefully this morning), and last night I thought I might puke. That probably had more to do with a high intensity work out class in a 40 degree studio, but 'morning sickness' makes me look less weak so that was my excuse to myself- sorry baby. 


This temple of zen is off to power yoga now. Catch you soon.  

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