Wednesday, 5 March 2014

1 almost down, 2 & a bit to go

I just read through this and it's a bit negative. Sorry. 

11 weeks and 2 days pregnant, in my 12th week, baby the size of a plum (we hope).

I'm getting a bit anxious again - surprise surprise. The nausea seems to be calming down a bit  (tonight I'm going to attempt to eat an actual salad), I'm managing to stay awake until almost 10 pm some nights (!), I haven't put on a single gram of weight, and I don't look pregnant... So it's almost as if I'm not really pregnant. If I didn't know better, and I hadn't seen the scans, I would probably just think I was very very ill, perhaps dying. Knowing me, I'd probably google all the symptoms and then just assume I had a brain tumor. Exhausted all the time? Brain tumor. Sick and nauseous? Brain tumor. Headache? Definitely a brain tumor. I'd make a shit doctor.

Anyway, we have another scan next Friday morning so we'll just have to wait til then to find out if this Passenger is still along for the ride. It's difficult to be excited yet, and I find that I'm not. It doesn't feel real, and maybe if I let it feel real I'll only be more upset if it turns out not to be. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me. 

Unfortunately, it doesn't make sense to HN1 - he's pretty dismissive of my worries, mainly because I'm not bleeding and I'm not in pain. Oh, in that case, everything MUST be fine, right? RIGHT??

So when will  I feel like I'm going to have a baby? When will I stop referring to it as The Dark Passenger and start seeing it as a real potential mini human? After this scan? When I start growing? When it kicks? When I go into labour? Will I then start feeling like I could be somebody's parent? Who can answer these questions?

HN1 told his mother at the weekend - I was out on a course so I missed the whole thing but he should perhaps not have told her that my sisters in law knew weeks ago. She's very happy, probably not as happy as with the first two grandchildren who live close to her and certainly not as happy as she'll be when her daughter has her first (see my mother), and possibly not as happy as had someone else had my husband's baby (ooooh I said it), but happy nonetheless. She wrote me a lovely email yesterday, and she'll obviously love her grandchild... But. I'm not sure what the but is, but I'm sure there is one. I think I'm not the person she envisaged for her firstborn, and I feel like she struggles with how to "take" me. I'm perceptive and I know when someone is weird with me or about me, and that's definitely the feeling I get.

Talking of sister in law, one of mine asked if I had a nursery theme and very sweetly offered hers (which is gorgeous!). I've barely considered where it will sleep, let alone an entire nursery or a theme. So I did some searching last night and it is OVERWHELMING. Billions of cots, prams, car seats, nappies, slings, chairs, cushions, things that bounce, blankets.... It goes on and on. And on and on. So I stopped searching - we have months and months for all that - and denial is good. We don't even have a nursery! At the moment we have a spare room filled with a double bed and built in wardrobes where we keep our clothes. Shelves of my shoes are also housed here - which will have to be re-homed. Husband thought the double bed would stay in the spare room and we could have a "nursery", what? Around it? I don't think so. "Where will guests stay?" How about, NOT in the baby's room?  "We could just move some stuff out when people come" "Eeeeeeee think about the logistics and the fact that it's supposed to be a peaceful and calm space, NO?". See, we haven't really thought this through. Rather than moving house, we'll buy a sofa-bed to go in the lounge and if people have a problem with that they can go to a hotel. I'm pretty sure that our open/revolving door guest policy will change somewhat, especially in the first few months.

Mum's coming over for a month, no idea where we'll put her. Unless... We kick our lodger out of our beautiful sleep-out/studio flat and put her in there. The only problem with that is affording the total rent on only one wage with no maternity pay. Bla. Too much to think about and either way we might be kicked out in May when our lease is up. Happy thoughts eh?

I asked for an update on the job I interviewed for a month ago... Nothing yet. On the upside, recruiters keep calling. On the downside, as unfair and illegal as it is, I don't think anyone will employ me while I'm pregnant. I've read some pretty interesting articles on this issue and can see both sides of the argument, but what I find so unfair is the disadvantage women who decide to have a family are at. It doesn't have to be this way, and in some exemplary companies it isn't. The rest of the world, and certainly my industry, really need to catch up. Having kids isn't an illness; it's a temporary pause and there should be so much more support available in the workplace.

In actual happy news, we're going on holiday in 5 weeks! Belated honeymoon - it's going to be awesome. There are a couple of places left to book (may end up having to camp for a couple of nights since it's so busy), but most of our 3000 km drive is planned. I say planned, I mean we have some places to sleep, a whale shark dive booked and 3 days and 3 nights sailing on a luxury cat. Can't wait!

PS I'm still not eating properly. I don't think I'm getting the nutrients I need for me and the person I'm building (I feel like Victor Frankenstein) from the food that I'm eating at the moment. This whole morning sickness / food aversion thing wasn't thought out too well by the body.

Body :"Need nutrients and vitamins and good stuff to build human" 
Brain/tummy: "Eeeeeeew no vegetables"
Body: "You must, or the small human will suffer with brittle bones and poor constitiution"
Brain/tummy: "I don't think so body. I'll eat fruit, Marmite and cheese on toast, and BBQ flavour Shapes. But that is all"
Body: "You are a crap human and a crap vegan"
Brain/tummy: *crying* "FINE, body. I'll have a carrot, but if I vomit it's YOUR FAULT"

At lunch time I'm going to buy some calcium tablets. And maybe some more multivits.

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