Wednesday, 12 March 2014

Little Machine, Big Impact

Late last week I concluded for the hundredth time that I wasn't actually pregnant, and that if I had been the baby was now dead and floating inside me, tethered to me. Perhaps not the healthiest train of thought. So I decided to do something about it, did some research and bought my very own fetal doppler. Felt like a bit of a stupid an extravagant purchase so I let it linger in my shopping basket for a couple of days before actually handing over the cash.

Turned out to be awesome. It arrived at my office on Monday, sadly without batteries so I had to wait until home time to take it for a whirl. It took a few minutes, but I found the little heart beating at 165 bpm. Clearly to fast to be my heart, and too strong to be the whoosh of other stuff going on in there. It was a relief to discover that The Passenger is still alive. I know we have a scan on Friday morning, but a week, two weeks, it's a long time especially when you're convinced there's something wrong. Plus, it will be weeks and weeks between this next scan and the one after, and if this helps me chill the fuck out, why not? I get stuck in this really negative, really anxious, cycle and it sucks. It taints everything and makes it all awful, I have nightmares and I hate myself. But I think this little doppler machine will help a bit.

In case anyone wonders, it's a Sonoline-B and it works really really well. 

Anyway, the nausea came back with a vengeance yesterday. Bleurgh. I left the office at lunchtime and went home to "work". Sleeping is just like work, so I did that instead. Ha, on the way home I was stopped by a booze bus and breathalised - it was pretty touch and go whether I was going to have to open the car door and spew on the policeman's feet. That wouldn't have looked too good. Feeling way better today (well, I was until I got to the office and opened my emails, now I want to go home again and never come back).

I didn't get the job I wanted, just a really cold email saying thanks but no thanks - and they didn't even know I was growing an extra person! It was a bit of a shock after the amazingly positive feedback from my former chief who works for the company, but such is life. I just wish they'd sent feedback or something mildly constructive rather than an unsigned email from the careers account. Do I really want to work for such a company? Yes, actually. But there are jobs out there, and recruiters are emailing me and ringing for chats about my "situation". If only they knew. Ooooh I know what I'll do now. I'll apply for a job in Milan - beats replying to these frankly idiotic emails.

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