Monday, 24 March 2014

When will I be over the moon?

Apparently, today is a cry at desk day (first time for everything). Professional is my middle name - good job most of the office are secreted away in various meetings.

I told my mum last week that she's not allowed to tell anyone I'm pregnant... Today that just feels mean. I'm sapping her excitement over her first grandchild because I feel shitty about everything. So I emailed just now and said of course she can tell her friend (one of her closest - what kind of daughter bans her mother from telling something kind of big to her best friends?), but can she tell her to ask her over-sharing daughters not to put anything on Facebook. I think that's a more than reasonable request, although it should be totally unnecessary given that it's absolutely none of their business.

I just can't understand why I feel so sad and hopeless. We wanted a baby. We tried, it failed the first time, we were going to wait, my body had other ideas, and I'm now growing a healthy (so far) baby. So why am I not feeling the "joy" of being pregnant? I read about it everywhere - but I can't feel it. Ditto excitement and wanting to tell everyone, to shout from the rooftops. This is supposed to be a "really special time" according to just about everyone on the planet but I feel confused and lost and sad and I don't want to tell people; I don't want to pretend to feel nothing but overjoyed.

Part of it, I think, is that it's all so overwhelming. Why on Earth did I think I would be the right person to be someone's parent? What do I have to give a child? How am I, with all of my shit, supposed to not fuck it up entirely on an emotional level? Am I responsible or "grow up" enough to be totally responsible for another human? I won't even give up caffeine (don't think me totally reckless though, I do only steep my tea bags for half the normal time), does that show uncaring already?

What I really want to is to go out and get totally fucked up. To dance and laugh and let go for a minute. Obviously (?) I'm not that stupid or selfish or neglectful, but a girl can dream.

My life is not where I thought it would be when I imagined getting pregnant.

Well blog people, that was the end of last week and this is the start of a new week. We had a good weekend, mostly full of yoga and food with some ten pin bowling thrown in. I'm still not very good at bowling, but that's not really the point (unless you're the guy in the lane next to us with his flashy little bowling glove and his flashy little bowling towel used to shine his flashy little bowling ball before every turn). There are possibly a couple of life lessons in bowling for me - something to do with not having to be good at everything and not having to be good at something to enjoy doing it. Bla.

We also did a bit of talking (we're getting better at that), and although we're no closer to deciding what we're going to do, it feels marginally better. We've decided that I'll go home for 10 days at the end of May; hopefully this will cure my homesickness a bit and also help decide whether the UK is somewhere I want to live. I should also be able to catch the first of the 2014 UK summer weddings we've been invited to, and I'll get to meet the brand new (last weekend) baby of one of my wonderful friends. Mum has a week off work then and one of my bro's will be around - will be nice to hang out with family a bit.

We're still trying to work out the rest of our plans. I have to work for as long as I can so we have enough  (ha! what's enough?) money when The Passenger arrives. Perhaps it's not a bad idea to stay until the start of next year, but that depends on money, and much of the money side of things all depends on MBA course fees in the UK vs here. Shame the dollar is worth so much less than it was a couple of years ago... Whatever happens there will a certain amount to repay HN1's company if he leaves within a year of completing any of his modules. Eek. PLUS, if and when we get to the UK we still won't have a place of our own to settle into so I imagine it will be a smidge tumultuous. Not that that's the be all and end all, but I have found some incredible ideas for making hanging hot air balloons in the baby's room (should the baby ever have a room). Would be nice to be able to "nest" like "normal" people.

Whatever, we'll work something out - we always do.

Our first visit from the midwife will be later this week, HN1 wants to be there which I love. Apparently (hello again Google) this initial visit will make everything feel more real. We told another friend this weekend and he was over the moon... Which is a nice reaction, I just feel a bit guilty that it's not my reaction right now. Perhaps I should work on my overjoyed face?

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