Tuesday, 13 May 2014

Halfway to Everywhere

Turns out, the less anxious I am, the less I am inclined to blog. I've also been busy, so there's another reason... 

On Friday we had our 20 week scan and found out (amongst other things) that our tiny shrunken human is a minx. This pleases me. The scan took longer than it should have due to the seemingly willful non-cooperation of said human; head buried in my pelvis when the sonographer lady was trying to see the face, back arched against the top of my womb when she was trying to see the skin covering the spine, hands moving so fast she couldn't get a picture of them, wriggling the entire time. I was asked to get up and pee, shake about, move onto my side, put my knees up, put my knees down... I was amused by my child's antics, however I don't think the professional was.

After much deliberation, we decided to find out the sex. So many people say you shouldn't, that it ruins the "it's a girl/boy!" moment after labour, that it takes away from the excitement, bla bla bla. But whatever. It was amazing to find out, and was the first time I've been really excited since, well, the start. My little person is becoming a person in my mind, no longer just an "it" or a baby shaped bunch of cells. The excitement lasted all the way to the waiting room where the argument began.

I thought we agreed in the car on the way there that we could know and not tell anybody else. HN1 HAD to bring his mother into it in the waiting room - he wanted to text her immediately to let her know. I asked why and he said

"because she REALLY wants to make an announcement at Dad's birthday BBQ tomorrow".

Um, excuse me? This is OUR child, OUR life, and OUR decision. We did not find out the sex to please your mother or her friends, much as we did not decide to have a baby so she could have another grandchild.

"But it's all she can talk about, whether it's a girl or a boy" 

I don't care! The important thing right now is that everything is healthy and the human I'm cooking looks happy as a pig in shit, bouncing around inside me. The fact that the sex matters so much to people really concerns me - the stereotyping is set to begin before the poor child is even born. The ONLY reason people want to know is so they can buy pink or blue, a fluffy unicorn or a dinosaur. I love unicorns as much as the next person, but deny me dinosaurs at your peril.

"But she wasn't allowed to tell people you were pregnant for ages, and she had to work really hard to keep that a secret"

Yes, I realise your mother finds it hard not to know everything, and even harder not to pass on to everyone in a six town radius what she does know, and I feel terrible that she had to hold this information in for a whole 6 weeks or whatever, but I was having a really hard time dealing with this pregnancy immediately after losing the last one. I was terrified of something going wrong, and I wasn't ready for anyone to know. That's our decision, yours and mine, and that we told your mother at all when we did (at 12 weeks, so she wouldn't get upset if we "lost another one", not that she knows about the first) should be enough. Again, it's OUR baby, OUR news. (edit: I'm still pissed off about HN1 not wanting to tell his mother in case we "kept losing them" so she wouldn't "get upset". Aside from the obvious reason that pisses me off, give the woman some credit! She's a district nurse and midwife (amongst other things) and no doubt she would have been concerned and sympathetic and felt for us - I hardly think she would have fallen apart).

Apparently I'm also going too far when I say I don't want to force society's ideas of boy and girl on our baby. 

"That's just the way society is, we have to deal with it."

Why the fuck should I just deal with it? If I have a boy, I want him to feel like he can aspire to be a ballet dancer as easily as he can to be an astronaut. If I have a girl, I want her to feel like she can aspire to be a formula 1 driver as easily as she can to be princess. I won't force my baby girl to wear pink any more than I'll force my baby boy to wear blue. I won't shop in toy shops with "girls" and "boys" aisles full of barbies and lego respectively.

The sexism and gender-ism discussion is huge. How do you not let it affect your children? What do I say when my little boy says he won't do such-and-such because it's "for girls"? Or when my little girl won't consider such-and-such because it's "for boys". I'll die a little bit. Girls aren't born wanting to be fairy princesses any more than boys are born wanting to be firemen. Society conditions them from the very start, and since WE are society, we are the only ones who can change things. Deal with it? Fuck no. Stick it up your arse.

Well this is turning into quite the rant. We fought it out for a while, and basically (because I'm right) he now mostly agrees with me. 

The important things we learned at the scan were that our miniature human has a healthy heart, working kidneys, a stomach, a face complete with eyes, nose and mouth, a developing brain, and everything looks as it should at this stage. The baby is about a week ahead of itself in terms of dates and size and all that jazz, which puts the conception where we originally thought, not where they measured at the first scan. Either that or I'm growing a giant.

It's growing, I'm growing - ha yeah, I'm actually growing. Plus 5 kgs now and said goodbye to my last fitting non-maternity jeans at the weekend. I have the beginnings of a little bump, and soon I'll look pregnant rather than thick-waisted and I'll be back in my stretchy figure hugging dresses - hopefully feeling pregnant rather than fat. Whoop!

When we went to bed on Friday night HN1 had his hand on my tummy and felt the first enormous kicks. I've been feeling little movement for a while but that was the first time the baby stomped rather than floated across my tummy. Perhaps my tiny human was as unimpressed with future daddy's arguments as I was - he deserved a kick.

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