Tuesday, 13 May 2014

My Body Is... No Longer My Own

I'm either carrying a dancer or a boxer (the next Nicola Adams?) - being kicked to shit from the inside out is certainly a unique feeling. It's almost 8am and we're coming up for 2 solid hours of kicking/stretching this morning (a record so far). Last night I think my baby was doing yoga for the full hour and a half I was; it's bizarre to be upside down with a small person flipping around inside you.

Another "unique" feeling I had was Friday afternoon when a WORK colleague (and not one I'm at all close to, in fact, he's a prick) found out I was pregnant The conversation went like this:

"So... I hear you have good news"
"Erm, I suppose so"
"You're pregnant right?"
"How many weeks"
"5 months"
"Wow! You're carrying it really well, I had no idea. Congratulations!"

Now, most people would leave it there. Not Mike though.

"Yeah, Dave and I were saying the other day that you've put on weight since you got married"
Shocked silence
"Not your stomach though, that's still flat"

What the actual fucking fuck? I just walked away - how inappropriate?? Especially at work. Especially to a pregnant woman who might not be feeling great about her new body. So now I feel EVEN WORSE about myself, having had no idea that my arse had grown. This was confirmed by HN1 when he got home from work and I hounded him about it. Poor thing tried to lie, but I see right through him.

Anyway, I'm still not feeling wonderful about my blossoming bottom, or the rest of my body. How do I not pass on body issues to my child? My mother passed hers onto us - one of my brothers has had issues with eating and I can't look at myself in the mirror - and I really don't want to do the same. It's hard enough for kids, there's a constant focus on weight and food and they are being bombarded with pictures of "perfect" thin bodies. According to a 2011 study, half of little girls aged 3 - 6 think they're fat. HALF. That's ludicrous. So how do I not exacerbate things for my child/children? Not talk about weight? Not buy anatomically impossible dolls? Never describe anyone's body negatively? Never let them hear me complain that I'm fat or ugly or that I hate this or that body part? I know that technically (according to text books) I'm not fat. I'm 1.75 m and usually weigh 62-64, and my body fat sits around 22% (or it used to - watch this space). But still I look at myself and I see fat. I see disgusting, and I see ugly.

Even if I can't do it for me, I need a foolproof method of helping my kid/s to love and accept themself/ves physically and otherwise. I'd better start scouring the internet for books on how not to fuck up your kids (right after I finish online shopping for cloth nappies).

I had a medical for my visa last week, it was a joke. Part of the medical is a chest X-ray to check for TB, and without this part of the medical the visa process will be delayed. If you're pregnant you can choose to defer the X-ray, or go ahead with it - supposedly, the choice is yours. Only it's not. I saw the very specific doctor at the very specific medical centre that immigration say you must use, discussed it with him (having done a lot of research), and decided to go ahead with the X-ray (ooooh , controversial). He walked around with me to make sure that they would cover my abdomen correctly with a lead apron, but we were stopped by the receptionist when the doctor told her I was 21 weeks pregnant. "You need a doctor's certificate". "I am the doctor, I've discussed it with the patient, and she'd like to go ahead with the X-ray". "No, a note from HER GP".

Are you serious? My GP who clearly isn't trustworthy enough to perform this medical so I have to come here and pay $350 for the privilege is suddenly more trustworthy than YOUR doctor when it comes to radiation? I'd been there for over 3 hours (what is the point in an appointment system when you invite more people each day than could possibly be seen on time?) and had had enough, so I walked out. No idea what happens next, though I'm sure if they want any more money they'll be in touch.

So much for that being my "choice". Exposing my unborn child to 60 millirads is not something that concerns me. Exposure over 10 rads has been shown to increase the risk of the child developing certain learning disabilities, so since I wasn't planning on having 167 chest X-rays, I think we would have been just fine. I'm willing to bet I've done more damage to my reproductive system (including my eggs) (mis)handling radioactive sources in my previous job. Anyway, no X-ray = no visa.

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