Monday, 19 January 2015

Afternoon Iceberg

BabyF has settled in record time for both her naps and resettling during those naps so far today. Sure, someone else has done the actual settling, but I've been next to that person. Vicarious victory.

I had another meltdown - this time in my meeting with the psych and the dr. I'm 98% sure the meltdown was due to the extreme shame my suicidal feelings cause. Struggle town. It's an odd feeling, wanting to die. And I don't just want to die, I think hurting myself would be a relief too. I don't always want to kill myself, it's more that I have intrusive thoughts which range from fleeting to sticking for hours. Today is the first time I've really been vocal about these thoughts and it doesn't feel cathartic, or a relief, or any other happy feeling words. It feels shameful and embarrassing and self indulgent and like I don't deserve to be able to feel this way.

Killing myself would probably fuck BabyF and HN1 up more than having me for a mother and wife - THIS is what I have to hold onto. 

I'm now taking escitalopram (my antidepressant of choice for the past few years), lorazepam (for the anxiety), and quetiapine (for the anxiety, to help me sleep, and to augment the anti-d's). Quetiapine makes people fat though and I already have so many body image issues that I'm not sure what to do. I can't stop eating (which would have been my go-to) because I'm still breastfeeding. Although that might not last much longer since BabyF is totally losing interest. Fuck me.

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