Friday, 30 January 2015

Broken

It's hard and it hurts. Physically hurts. BabyF screamed and screamed last night while we were trying to put her down. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Too much to ask? Obviously. 

Yesterday I had a meeting with the psychiatrist and they're switching my antidepressants from escitalopram to pristiq. Starting today, my escitalopram dose has been chopped to 1/3 of my usual dose. It's going to be a screwy weekend - husband is aware. We've been told to make some nice easy plans so we're not stuck at the unit all weekend with me feeling shitty.

My stay here will be a bit longer than the 3 weeks we originally thought it would be, maybe 4 or 5? They haven't given me a release date yet, these things change day to day, week to week.

This morning I'm bone tired. I think I cried myself to sleep, or at least until the drugs took over. Big hateful crying, with sobs and tears. HN1 stayed with me and hugged and offered comfort, but he just doesn't understand. And I can't expect him to understand when what I "want" must feel like the most awful, hurtful thing in the world to him.

Imagine having a wife so broken. He didn't sign up for this. Well, actually, he did - if this is sickness he signed on the dotted line. But nobody enters a marriage imagining that less than two years down the track their partner would want to have their beautiful baby adopted, or that they would want to kill themselves.

I feel broken. I've been broken before but somehow I've stuck myself together again and carried on. This time feels different; I'm not sure telling myself to "harden the fuck up" will cut it. 

I wish I wasn't such a burden.

I wish I was myself; I've lost myself. I no longer have an identity other than "mother to BabyF". Actually that's not true. My other identity is "Patient xyz". It fucking sucks to be perfectly honest. 

Today I had lunch with Kat. She bought me beautiful pink and white flowers which are now sitting in a teapot in my room. A much more annoying thing happened at 5am when one of the nurses came into my room and over to my bed, woke me up and accused me of burning candles. Um, yeah. That would be the LED fucking star lamp night light you buffoon.

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