Sunday, 18 January 2015


Last night was the first night HN1 stayed over with me at the unit. I was a bit upset that he hadn't wanted to stay on the Friday night, but whatever. I want him to want to be with me - and at the moment it's in a psych unit that I want him to want to be. Fair enough? Sort of. I'm sick of trying so hard not to be demanding. I don't just want him to want to be there and do this with me, I NEED it. Sadly, I'm good at reading people (and he's not quite the closed book he thinks he is), and I know he wants to be far far away from where I need him to be. Perhaps he'll muster more enthusiasm next weekend.

Yesterday I had my first visitor (other than Mum and HN1). She brought juice and breakfast cake and gossip. Unfortunately while she was there it took me a fucking long time to get babyF down - which was a bit stressful. 

We missed lunch because it took an hour to settle lady F for her next nap. This didn't please HN1 and he was crabby even though there is bread and cheese in the fridge and he could have left AT ANY TIME to get something to eat. So the minute she woke up and had a feed we had to be out the door. Even more stressful for me when I know nobody is happy. What I wanted I say was "manage your own fucking hunger and don't let that shit spill over into what I'm trying to achieve here". What I actually said was "the minute she's eaten we'll go out, I promise. Why don't you get something from the fridge?".

Back to firsts. BabyF did 3 shits yesterday. You're probably thinking "wow! That's really blown her previous record of 1 out of the water!". You'd be thinking right.

Right now I'm in the car for the first time since I was banished (feels like) to the unit. We're heading towards home but probably not actually going there given the extreme anxiety (tears and all) the thought of going home provoked back at the unit. I'm sure the psych will analyse that for me, meanwhile? Lorazepam.

Tonight might be the first night F sleeps in my room rather than the nursery. Might be. The psych nurses and mothercraft nurses are incredible and I'm sure they'd help me settle babyF in our room. One of them last night told me I did so well I'd have her out of a job. Boom. Then I cried because I still feel like I'm the worst person for this kid.

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