Monday, 19 January 2015

Morning Iceberg

Today has been hard already and it's not even 11am. Here are some words:

Useless
Worthless
Crap
Worst mother
Worst wife
Worst human 
She deserves better
Not good enough now and never will be
She'd be better off without me
Run away
Panic
Cut
Bleed
Hurt
Cry
Overwhelmed
Low
Disappeared
Lost
Can't.

Maybe this afternoon I'll have different words. At the moment, babyF is asleep in the nursery and has been resettled once. I'm about to go into group therapy - my first session. I'm slightly medicated due to my earlier breakdown (see above words) so therapy should be breezy. Ha. 

I need to work hard on not emotionally fucking up my child. I get anxious about how much of this is sinking in and becoming part of her. I also get anxious because writing this on my phone I can't justify the text into perfect columns. I'm anxious about getting babyF (the sleep resistor) to sleep. I'm anxious about her waking up once she is asleep. This is the tip of my anxiety iceberg.


1 comment: