Friday, 9 January 2015

But before I went in...

This post is in the wrong place. I wrote this pre-loony bin, just so you can keep shit straight in your head... I know you like to.

There's so much pressure for this to be the best time of one's life, but I think maybe it's been the worst time of mine. "You'll never have this time again", "they grow up so fast, blink and you'll miss it" etc. I know these things are true, but I just want this time to be gone.

I want to feel better and normal and not find relief in thoughts of suicide. That's what I really want.

Then perhaps I can start to enjoy being a mother, enjoy these "precious" months and years, rather than feeling anxious and exhausted and super low - convinced I'm shit at everything and that I can't take care of my own baby. I can't do anything without my husband.

My world is small and it used to be so vast.

I could do ANYTHING. Now I can barely go to the shops.

I need to write things down so I remember how I feel. This is all going to be a bit of a jumble but I can sort it out later I guess.

I panic at the thought of being alone with my daughter. Thankfully, we went to NZ for Christmas so I never had to be alone with her and we actually got a break with the in-laws taking her almost every other night.

 nfortunately I still can't sleep (even drugs are failing me) - my brain goes on and on whirring and whirring out of control. It's worse when I'm alone. When she's awake I don't know what to do and I dread having to put her down for a nap. When she's asleep I dread her waking up. No, dread is the wrong word. PANIC is a better one.

I feel so alone in all of this. All I can see are better mothers doing better things, enjoying every second, loving their babies more than they previously thought humanly possible. But me? I'm standing alone and all of this is swirling around me and I can't escape. Ever.

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