Wednesday, 28 January 2015

Time Travel

BabyF slept badly last night, waking every 3 hours for food, as she did before we came in here. She's also getting harder to settle at night - I wish we could go back a few weeks to her sleeping on my chest again, comforted by the sound of my heart and my warmth.

Today I really would give a lot to turn back time, to come into this unit at the very beginning and get the help I needed then. I know they say it's never too late, but I'll never get the past 4 months back. I'll never be able to relive having a newborn without the awful haze of depression and the constant anxiety surrounding everything. I barely remember anything and I want to remember everything. BabyF can pretty much sit up on her own now but I have no idea when she first smiled or giggled or recognised and reached for my face.

I figure I have a lot to grieve (and I'm shit at grieving, not sure I've finished with my dead dad yet). I didn't grieve my miscarriage. I didn't grieve the pregnancy and birth I wanted and planned. I did't grieve the fact that I couldn't fully breastfeed. I haven't grieved the loss of my baby's first months due to my own stupid depression. I want my tiny baby back, I want a do over. I want precious moments with my husband and child rather than months filled with stress and tears and hatred and wishing and wanting something different.

I know we're stuck with what has already happened, and I know plenty of people would tell me to just move on, but I need a bit of room to be sad about these things without anyone judging or hurrying me. I'm not talking days and weeks of mourning, but I'd like the occasional space to face this stuff and maybe have a cry before I pick myself up again and wash some more baby bottles. And I don't want to explain myself to anyone (although sometimes it would be nice if someone would ask how I was and really listen to the answer. Because sometimes it's really shit and I need someone to recognise how shit it is and just wallow in the shitness with me for a second. And then buy me a drink.).

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