Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Trigger Happy

Today was shit.

On the bright side, it has been discovered that one of my triggers (which sends me spiraling down to dark places) is settling BabyF. Or rather not settling BabyF. Nap times and bed times are dicey, to say the least.

Well that was yesterday and today is brand new. It's 8:26am and I've just had breakfast and my meds; vitamins (multi, fish oil, zinc), antidepressants, something to boost breast milk supply, and half a lorazepam to take the edge off my anxiety. That's a lot of pills to swallow. 

I've just put BabyF down for her first nap - I did it by myself (with man nurse Chris in there with me for support) - and she went down fairly easily. By easily I obviously mean I had to pat and shush and hold her until she was asleep. Obviously.

Last night it took over an hour to settle her, everyone tried; me, HN1 and the two babywhisperers (mothercraft nurses) who work here. Not ideal. After which I had a meltdown... I'm the worst mother, I can't even settle my baby, I hate myself, I'm so lonely, she deserves better than me, I want to hurt myself and die. Standard spiral. Extreme emotions and hard to hold back. 

That was the second or third time I lost it a bit yesterday, each time triggered by not being able to settle BabyF. So now I always have to have someone with me, even if they just stand back.

When I lose it a my nurse stays with me and talks things through. I'm not sure why I find it easier to express (I guess) my feelings here. Perhaps because that's what I'm here for, perhaps because I find everything more confronting here. Perhaps because I don't have to pretend everything is fine and normal here, because it's not. We're all here because things aren't fine and they aren't "normal", so why pretend?

I'm tired, they brought the baby in to me at 6:30 for a feed and I was still totally knocked out by the quetiapine I took last night. An extra hour or two would have been perfect, so I might have to start taking my night time meds a bit earlier. 

I'm still not allowed out alone because of my stupid fucking intrusive thoughts and the fact that whenever I think about things I conclude that I must die. But I can go out with HN1 or with a nurse. One of the nurses took me for a walk around the block yesterday before group and showed me the local op-shop, and HN1 and I took the baby out for a walk last night (pre spiral).

In other mundane news, the baby bath in my room is broken and flooded the floor yesterday (and soaked my bags which were under the sink) so we're now bathing BabyF in the laundry sink. Old school.

Gotta run, time for meditation!

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