Sunday, 25 January 2015

Unwell

Today I feel "unwell". This is the blanket term used on this ward for what we are. Unwell. Not well.

To me, unwell is synonymous with sick, and I don't feel sick (apart from the moments/hours I am wracked with anxiety - then I really do feel sick). Nor do I feel as if I am suffering from mental illness, but I know I must be or I wouldn't be here. I asked the GP before I came in if my bed couldn't be put to better use by someone else, someone worse off. She laughed a little and explained that wanting to end my life and have my beautiful baby adopted pretty much put me at the bottom of the heap and the first in line for this kind of help.

So here I am. Mentally unwell. Taking a cocktail of anti depressants, anti psychotics and benzos. I prefer Long Island Ice Teas (with diet coke in case you ever buy me one).

And days like these I don't feel like any of it is helping. I feel disgusting, I'm ashamed of the way I feel, I hate myself for many reasons, and I'm not fit to be a mother or a wife or a person. I cry and it feels like a pity party. Pity for me and for my suffering husband, but mostly for my poor tiny BabyF who has no other choice but to have me as her mother. And I am not enough. How can I ever be? All the cocktails in the world won't fix that. All the cocktails in the world won't give me back emotions unblunted by depression. I'm assured that love will grow, that BabyF already loves me, but I don't feel it. I don't even think she likes me and that hurts. I don't know if I love her, and that hurts even more. 

I MUST love her, how else can I possibly feel about her? She really is the most perfect thing. But where was the thunderbolt, the moment we looked into each other's eyes and formed this unbreakable bond??

I want to fill her with love and passion and hunger for knowledge. I want her to explore and be wild and free. I want to always be there for her or here for her or wherever she needs me to be for her, and I want her to know that I am her foundation, that HN1 and I are her roots. I want to chase rainbows and ride unicorns, play pirates and build Lego worlds with her.

But how can I fill her with anything when I am so empty?

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