Monday, 2 February 2015

Brutal

Yesterday was hard. Today is the fucking pits. Yet BabyF just lies there, eating her toes and smiling indiscriminately (at the tv, at the back of people's heads...), as if this is the most normal and natural place in the world for us to be working our shit out together. 

"We did discuss how rough these few days would be" - yes psych, we did. But I am LIVING them and you are OBSERVING them so fuck you and your change of meds and your constant observation. I feel watched and judged and paranoid. I feel like the nurses are talking about me behind my back, saying that I should snap out of it and go home. The psychiatrist said I put on such a good front that some of them probably can't see past it to the depths of my illness. So they ARE judging. I don't feel I have the right to be here. I feel like everyone is judging my ability to be a mother and finding me severely lacking.

My baby still sleeps in the nursery which means my doctors don't yet deem me fit to care for her overnight. The drugs they give me to sleep don't work anyway. I'm building a tolerance to the quetiapine which is now giving me nightmares. I feel like the new people coming on to the ward judge me for still having my baby in staff care when some of them have their babies in their rooms. We're all here for different reasons we're told. "Don't compare with one another. Just accept that you all need to be here and will be treated individually." But I still feel judged.

I just want it all to stop. I want to disappear, to vanish - poof! Gone forever. But they guilt trip me, using BabyF and Husband as collateral. Mother uses all of above plus self (she's forgiven today for sending beautiful sunflowers just when I needed them). I'm fucking sick of living my life for other people. You're not allowed to say that though, how dare you be so selfish as to want to live for your own pleasure and enjoyment? Now I have to live for my baby, my husband, my mother, my fucking GP. When do I start wanting to live for me?

Right now I'm very medicated. I keep having crying fits and getting really agitated and irritated. I've been out for 2 walksans just bathed BabyF and put her to bed. Half an hour of patting and shushing and singing tonight. Not bad. I might cry again now - all feels so hopeless and hard and neverending.

And all of this must be harming BabyF In some way. They say she's perfect and well adjusted and that there's no sign of my illness having affected her. But it must. I have "severe depression, anxiety, and attachment issues stemming from my own childhood". I want to attach to my baby. I want her to attach to me. I just don't know how to make that happen. I especially don't know how to make that happen on the days I don't want to look after her, to play with her or feed her.

Sounds brutal. It is brutal.

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