Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Disappointment and Freedom

I can't remember where I left off, but that doesn't feel important. I was in the MBU then and I'm still in the MBU now - this feels more inportant, especially since I was expecting to be released/discharged today. 

On Monday it was agreed that I should have a whole day at home without Husband or Brother around to help/just be there. The sooner the better so I arranged to go home that night, stay Tuesday and Tuesday night, and come back this morning, Wednesday, for a meeting with the psych and the Husband.

Aaaaaaaand they didn't let me go. I have to finish working on my WRAP (a plan in case things start turning South again) and sort out a timetable of things to fill my week with so I'm not sitting in the house all day alone with a baby. Again.

The meeting also brought up a couple of "interesting" things with Husband which were pretty upsetting. He accused me of only wanting to stay at home with BabyF because I don't like my job. That I don't like my job is partially true, that this is the reason I wanted to stay at home with BabyF is so far from the truth. I explained that part of the reason I'm so fucking disappointed with the way everything has worked out so far is that I had wonderful visions of how life would be, and how I would be as a mother, and I feel like I've failed totally in every aspect, from the birth to now. 

It was a pretty hard meeting but I explained some things to Husband that he wasn't aware of, and the psych said it was the first time she's actually heard me speak up, that usually in our sessions I'm so quiet and she can tell I have a lot going on in my head but I refuse to say it out loud, that I just wait for her to talk to me and don't answer her questions. I wasn't aware I was so passive, maybe I've missed out on some good shrinkage by being so lame, or MAYBE I was on a psych ward for a reason and the fact that I'm now talking is perhaps a good sign that I'm getting better. 

Still, I want to go home, and I don't want to go home. I'm scared it will be the same, that I'll feel the same. And I never want to feel like that again. Never. 

Well, that was the 11th March. This is the 24th March and I've been free (home) for a week; I got out about a week after the above post that I didn't manage to publish.

Leaving the unit was harder than I thought it would be. Husband came in for a short and sweet family meeting on the Tuesday morning, then we packed up, said goodbye, and left. Just like that. I didn't get a chance to say thank you or goodbye to Phil - our savior mothercraft nurse, but I'll visit in late May and see her then. Anyway, I held it together until we walked out the door, and then I had a cry. Leaving the unit felt a lot like jumping off a cliff. To go from somewhere where you have so much support to somewhere where it feels like you have none is hard. Trust me. 

That first day, Husband had the whole day off work - it would have been nice if he'd taken some more time off (I feel like I've said that before... Oh yes, when he only took a week off after BabyF was born, leaving me alone and scared and spiraling), but there you go.

The second day we saw our GP, DocR. She saw us on no notice because she's lovely and she's been thinking of us - it was DocR who referred me to the MBU. Got the prescriptions for all the drugs that are keeping me afloat. A lot of drugs. 6 months on the ones that make me fat, a couple of years on the ones that don't. Going to start weening off the loraz from next week, slowly slowly.

On Friday we went to Rhyme Time at the library with Mel, Dani, and Vicky. There were LOADS of people there and it was a bit overwhelming for me and for BabyF (and our friends) but also quite fun. Good songs for the babies, instruments and puppets. Think it will be a regular Friday thing with the Mother Nurture crew.

The weekend was strange. I felt pretty low on Saturday and don't think I achieved much, but I just can't remember. Which annoys me a bit. Sunday morning we hung with a couple of friends, had breakfast, a wonder around Freo and some shops, then lunch and a pint (half for me). I think it's also strange because it disrupts what little routine BabyF and I have and Husband takes over a lot of the care. That irks me a bit and then I get down and then don't want to be involved. I know he doesn't get to spend much time with her during the week, but actually if he left work on time he could be home at 5:35 and have until bedtime with her... Rather than leaving work at 6 and getting home just in time to put her to bed. That's not fun for either of them.

I'm trying to get out for a walk every day, and so far we've done quite a lot of walking. This morning we drove for the first time in a while to The Nest (a new pregnancy, childbirth and postnatal education support and resource centre) for an open mother's group drop in type thing. Mel and Dani were there which was nice and the women who run it are lovely. I think that will be a regular Tuesday morning thing for us. Starting mid-April I'll also be doing pilates there on a Monday morning (there's a creche for BabyF). 

I'm trying to find things to do to fill our days (all in the name of relapse prevention), and I think we're doing ok at the moment. A lot of things (like the pilates, a PND support group, Circle of Security course) don't start for a while and go by school terms so won't kick off until after Easter. I make sure we go out every afternoon to buy ingredients for dinner (which I've started making again - or at least starting to make -after months and months of wanting nothing to do with dinner). Not the most economical in terms of time or money, but it gives me focus each day and I need that at the moment. The smallest things feel super hard still, so all this structure and focusing on achieving small goals helps.

I have a lot more medical type stuff coming up (wish me luck). Tomorrow I'm seeing DocR again and then my psychologist, DocK. On Thursday afternoon one of the nurses from the unit is coming to the house (she visited yesterday too) for a meeting with someone from the psychiatric outpatients (Alma Street) at Fremantle hospital. I have no idea what to say at either appointment, when people ask how I am I just say fine, It's easy to say even when it's not easy to be.

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