Monday, 2 March 2015

Today's Things

Today BabyF is 5 months old.
Today BabyF cut her first tooth.
Today is my dead Dad's birthday.
Today we came back to the unit after 3 nights leave (labour day weekend).
Today BabyF has a rash on her face and chest that we have to keep an eye on.
Today my brother babysat BabyF for the first time so Husband and I could go to breakfast with friends.
Today I did a sweaty workout (tomorrow I'll be in pain).
Today I want to hurt myself. A lot.

BabyF update first I guess. She's teething like a motherfucker, has been sitting unaided for weeks, and is almost crawling. Good times. Advanced little madam. Apart from the rash and refusing to eat for 2 days (breast and bottle), she's doing fine.

The weekend went ok - better than last weekend anyway. Perhaps because I had my husband and my brother to help with me and BabyF, perhaps because we got out and about and I got some yoga in on a couple of days. Perhaps because I'm getting better. Slowly.

We took BabyF to the beach, she loved it. I walked into the ocean with her and it felt real. She ate lots of sand and licked lots of sunscreen - all normal I'm sure.

Friday was a different story. My pdoc is leaving/has left, so I'm seeing the other psychiatrist - the director here. I had a session with each of them on Friday and neither went particularly well. I want them to increase my dose of antidepressant, my old pdoc would have but didn't want to because he had to hand me over to other pdoc. She refused to change my meds because apparently 17 days isn't long enough although they both would have expected to see a greater change in my mood by now. So fuck. I'm still in a fucking mental unit, seemingly for no reason. They're observing me but not changing my meds - I may as well be at home feeling shit as here feeling shit, surely. So I had a major meltdown after that meeting and managed to scratch my thigh to fuck. If I'd had something sharper than my nails I'd have done a lot more damage. I was angry and sad and disappointed and lots of other things and I REALLY wanted to hurt myself. That feeling continued all weekend and I had to distract myself with yoga and beach and working out and tv and games on my iPad and sleep so I wouldn't break crockery and scratch myself with the broken edges. Really strong urges. They solved it on Friday by sedating me. Stopped the crying anyway.

Now I'm back at the unit and the urge hasn't gone. I think we'll put the baby to sleep and then I should probably just take my meds and go to sleep too. Fuck.

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