Friday, 30 October 2015

Reality vs. Expectation

On days like this it would be very easy to pack up and move back to Fremantle. It's raining and foggy and miserable here. I miss my friends and my life and having a sense that I belong somewhere, and I worry that we made the wrong decision. It's been a bitch of a year though, and things are much easier with Mum around, so from that perspective it was the right decision. Today though, I miss my friends and my life and the beach and the city and I haven't had the time or the ability to do that yet. We were there, then we were here, and it's all a bit muffled - IYKWIM.

It would be nice to have a life again, but it's hard here in the middle of nowhere - as much as we love being in the middle of nowhere. We don't have the "amazing group of NCT friends" that everyone else seems to have because we weren't here. It's hard to make friends when you're adulting and not working (even when you are working your colleagues don't necessarily become your friends, I think I've been lucky). Mum and baby groups are all well and good, but just because you all have a baby or three doesn't mean that you'll be friends. I find those groups really uncomfortable and forced. I need a Mel here to go to all the groups and collect the best people to form a new group. Perhaps if we move to Cheltenham in the new year things will look up.

But what I think I might really need is a job. There. I wrote it down. It's difficult, because I didn't expect to feel like this, and it turns out that managing reality vs. expectation when they don't match up is something I'm not very good at. I thought I'd go all Earth Mother and not work until Freyja was at school, and even then I thought I might want to home school. But, no. Instead I feel like I'm running away from her because I need a life and I need more than a one year old for company. It might have been different if we'd stayed, because I knew other people with babies Freyja's age, and other people who were doing the SAHM thing, so there would be friends and babies to hang out with and do things with and it wouldn't be so lonely and draining. Constantly playing and teaching and touching and taking care of and watching and loving and keeping from harm and keeping occupied and trying and trying and trying is hard. 

So I'm going to go and think about contacting a recruitment consultant. I'm also going to think about staying home until Freyja is 2, and finding a life in other ways. And I'm going to be sad for a bit about the life we don't have any more and the friends and things and places that I miss. And I'm going to be mad about the weather here (just like my husband is) and the British Summer That Never Was.

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