Friday, 12 February 2016


We're so stuck on firsts that we forget about the lasts. First roll, first tooth, first step, first word... What about the last sleep on my chest, the last time she'll be fed, the last morning cuddle in bed? I know a lot of lasts are a while away, but there are so many and it's starting already.

I love that Freyja isn't a baby any more. Babies are boring and make pretty shit companions day in day out when they are your ONLY companion. Eat, shit, sleep, repeat. I used to love breastfeeding her though, and the last time we did that I didn't know it would be the last. I might have fed a little bit longer, or paid a bit more attention. I might even have taken a fucking selfie, who really knows?

So I'm going to be more mindful (all the rage in the psychiatric world), more present and more patient. I'm going to play on my phone less and read that book for the twentieth time in a row without a grimace. OK, a small grimace when she's not looking. Maybe it will be the last time she wants me to read that story to her. Maybe I'll just be missing the in between; not a first and not a last but everything in the middle.

Before we know it I'll be back to work full time, Freddie will be at nursery and we'll be picking a school. We should probably have put her name down for a school when we first met, and converted to Catholicism while we were at it, but that's a problem for another time - a time a couple of years away. Until then I don't want to miss all the in between, even the stuff that feels shit at the time. I already look back on the past 16 months with my shiny rose tinted glasses firmly on my face. Arguably the worst time of my life but I can find light in all of it. 

Anyway, enough of that crap. Today I went to a pilates in Gloucester in a dingy sweaty room in a dingy sweaty gym, and I went by myself like a grown up motherfucker. It was OK. Made better by the fact that I wasn't the fattest or the worst in the class, but I might have been the youngest by a decade or two. No matter. I got out of the house and did something for me, and I might go back. I might even do some other classes now I've been once and didn't, you know, die or anything.

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